︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵
what has no current, better place finds a slightly uncomfortable, temporary one here
it's really all writing updates, compiling thoughts, & excising;
i try to make them worthwhile though-
<3
here is a manual email sign-up for updates:
2025 dec 17 at quarter to one am
i'm in québec rn -v-
there's always things to do, things to write about from the recent past, but every new leaf this year has felt especially eminent, like there's something about to burst. and i guess the good part is that something finally did. i'm back to where i was; suddenly a fervent connection has evaporated, and the career path i had laid out has vanished, and i cannot help but longingly dream for something anew, sat right next to me. we're catatonic though; something sparked in me abit ago, but the fear is paralyzing. maybe this is best.
at least with more downtime i'm back at the mall :>
i still hope my last paycheck is considerable, but a love & appreciation found around two, near christmastime, has been more than enough for the (temporary) international detox.
i love you<3
sweep me off my feet,, please
2025 nov 3 at two am
i was right that the delay in this was worth it, more than i could have ever expected, and i'm glad that i've come back around to her now. i will uncover many more steps i've taken since with time + space, because they deserve so much love and care. i'll just fill in the details from the document i've added the slightest bit to since last i saw you—even if they may have conflictory, personal connotations now compared to whenever i wrote them.
-x-
it really is a wonder that dating apps are here with us. they are wonderful perversions of community, allowing imaginations to tread however flippantly one desires before taking it all in as seriously as it can be allowed to be. hyperfixations, scurges as they can be, can be birthed and cease in mere seconds. seeing it all flash through you again and again, before moving onto the next imagined life cycle.
it is beautiful, even if the reasons for it existing at all (and its profiteering) are both at least suspect.. because you truly can meet and talk with so many more people than you otherwise could. for someone so focused on condensing down and experiencing as much life as is possible with this bodymind, i am eternally grateful. it is a mirror image of why i listen, watch, read so much. because it casts beautiful shadows, and allows you to sink into the ideas of others' lives at a frequency that would be paralyzing without disgusting systems that outweigh it, day in and day out.
-x-
and while i wrote then that "that's why i go in cycles, psycho-living through others so much that it needs a rest often. see social media too.", now it has become that and more, irl. friends fading in and out of view; one former intense attachment that has continued to be the source of divine inspiration, now from a distance yet stronger than ever (at least now); a wonderful job that has supplanted the desire to continue degree ambitions (what was left, at least.. and what would it take me to anyways?); a constant state of flux that i've yet to be invited warmly into but appreciating every second within; reconnecting and disconnecting again with a past friend group through that aforementioned dating app. i'm not yet, but i'm closest than ever to living for me while never losing, never forgetting or taking lightly the ways in which i have arrived here.
all i can pass on now is that, if not for all of them, i would be incomplete. i love them all, and i dearly hope that that is the case for as many people in and out of my life as there are. it is so desperately needed; i feel alive constantly, and it is exhausting, but it is the reason i am here at all.
ily<3
2025 may 19 at twenty past eleven pm
it's been a while. i'm going to lower the barrier(s) for entry here, in my mind, because that seems like it'll be very worthwhile. because that's the whole point, to have an excuse to write on topics that don't fit anywhere else (yet), haven't been fully/completely fleshed out (yet), etc., etc.
i have a snippets document that i use to recall and remember a lot of individual events that i either know already or assume in the future will mean something greater to me than what it is i normally do. or at least, it's a list of things i cannot recall simply by going backwards in my calendar. i love it :) it's a very touching way to look back on how i ended up here. i think it says something that there are no snippets for 2022, even though it goes back to 2019. they turned out to not be memorable, or the kind of memorable i'd like to hold onto.
and i think that relates to the main thing i had jotted down under this originally obsidian document before i started writing this right now: i wanted to make a little retrospective thought on the night that i watched fighting in the age of loneliness, of course while playing minecraft on me and my friend's server world, nearing 4am. it was originally a blog post i had written called secret heart, and while i hate the way i wrote (i'm glad i both have grown in that and no longer care about the subtle missteps in my current style; i'll keep ironing them out to the ways i think they would be benefitted by), it's a nice thing to look back on.
it was tuesday and wednesday, 7-8th february 2023, and it was right after i had started onboarding for work at the first and so far only coffee shop i have worked at. i kind of miss it, but i miss the idea of it a lot more. the smell was too much most days. and when i look back on my description of that night: walking achily in the cold dark, shaving vehemently, loafing after for hours, organizing without ever completing, playing too many hours of minecraft, and only sleeping from 6-9am so i could get to class on time... i realize i have not changed too much in my habits. i still have that kind of awkward disfunction, an inability to prioritize the important or even work at the ideal. everything else has changed though, and it makes that habitual repetition both much healthier and much more of a comedown from the prioritized work than anything else.
although i am glad that there is one string that ties together that night turned morning to where i sit right now. it is the throughline to my realization that all i want to do is talk about and make art. it is all that i can meaningfully think of as truly vital to me, and one of few avenues that can support me emotionally. i'm glad i finally realized, over years, that i don't care if it can support me financially.
it would be nice, but it will never be the reason for any of this effort, for any of my hopes as outpourings. i'm glad that night touched the needle a bit for me, because she hasn't stopped jumping around in a while lately. i am proud of her, even if she's not me at all.
2025 feb 18 at twenty to midnight
on a flight back from san josé right now, and there's a lot that i think has happened for me since my last visit here—enough that i think there isn't a good way to talk about it all, or at least in a way that means much. part of me feels like i can skip a lot for the sake of coming back to it later; this place needs more exhibits anyway;;
the main thing i cannot get over is, after a work meeting back in january (i think? idek anymore) when i realized i don't have the aptitude to manage a medical scribe position atm (at least during this much school & trying to close that door of my life asap), i sort of hate the idea of trying to adjust and mold myself to most environments, especially work.
i like being difficult and trying to find the most comfortable fit, even if it does mean suffering through weird patches like i've been in as of late. but i would love to find that fit that makes me able to live how it feels right to. i'm still 21 though—and i want to feel free to fuck up without making it all that serious in my head, because this is the best time to. i'd like to throw myself to the sea and enjoy the ride; it's lovely and overpoweringly 'human' (wtv that means) to experience so much, and i'm glad i'm reaching closer inside to unlock that comfortability gem within myself, the drive and dedication to overtake norms and others' preferences to instead just make the space for equal footing, not throwing myself away for that sake.
but i'm going to hate moving out of my current apartment, when i no longer have that privileged support to afford it and need to move so far away from the city. it's gonna kill me a lot. meeting new (esp queer) amazing & interesting ppl is what has made it all click for me, and so often those old connections feel regressive and mentally taxing. i love my sister and her partner to death, but god if i don't wish all the time that i could push my drive/motivation closer to finding some fulfilling way(s) to support myself and my own small space, where it all feels ordered just as i like... i am what i rail against sometimes.
-x-
also i'm vegetarian now, the only time i should get high is in the aquarium with someone else, i love dj's and everything they make happen in music and socially, i want to be able to make music click for me because it's such a wonderful medium of expression and awe and beauty and pain, i'm taking 18 credit hours this semester, and one of those classes is on hinduism & healing and there's something interestingly revealing about humanity and societies with what's been taught so far, but there's so much work that feels redundant that has already pushed me so many assignments back for it all and i'm scared that there's gonna be some hiccup that forces me back for another semester, and i don't know how i'll take that, but like seriously i love being vegetarian, it feels so obvious once i made it 'official' even though i hadn't bought meat at the grocery store in a long time anyways, because if you're able to get all the nutrients you need in a contemporary world without killing animals why wouldn't you, but also i know that factory egg production is poisonous and disgusting and so is milk production, which is definitely part of the reason why i'm swearing by oat and soy milk now, also because they just taste really good and don't make me sick, and also the friends that i've made since the day after xmas have been so lovely to get to know, and i'm so glad i've been invited and continue to feel comfortable with them, and i really need to finish the collage that i started when i went to their collage club meeting two tuesdays ago, and this flight i'm on right now is super comfortable for the first time ever, not because there isn't turbulence, because there's actually a ton of it, but because i have an extra seat next to me and the window seat and it's the perfect kind of dim in here and there's plenty of legroom, oddly enough, and i think that's all i have to say right now.
ilysm <3
-x-
p.s. stuck in dallas / fort worth airport rn x.x at least i had two white claws, but these next ten hours are gonna be tough..
2024 dec 14 at quarter past eight pm
it's disheartening watching it slip through the cracks, aching to find a home that treats it better. and i don't blame it—my home, wherever it lies, has never been put together. it's homely, sure, but there is some eerie pretense, an inescapable pit that creaks the foundation every few hours... there's no love lost in it not finding it a safe refuge.
but to a degree, i wish we could fix it together; it's a lot easier to fight bureaucracy, regulations, when you have at least someone else there, even if only but one to come rest with after, after gliding through the tricks, the workaround fixes, the adamant strives to keep the motivation that it's all worth it, that it'll all be okay in the end, afloat and alive.
at this point life support is a generous understatement for what feels at hand. but that's the thing, isn't it? doomerism is real, even common for a reason, for this pervasive and pernicious, incendiary rage to find a solution without any meaningful action to find its path. trust me, i'll be the first to say i fall like a domino amidst that sentiment, that 'i'll go but won't be first to engage', 'i don't see a way out', 'when will that star collide with its twin and create from dust the bricks to lay in order', you know, that sort of thing.
i mean, at the end of the day, the blame doesn't fall on anyone else but me. sure, i give myself grace, and as much as that pit looks like it's eroding more into itself, that staircase is just around the few hanging-on bits of blacktop left. there's still a way around to it, i'm sure of it.
but that's for tomorrow, i have plans today anyways.
2024 nov 23 at ten to midnight
it all felt a lot calmer and more comfortable when it was snowing.
the wind spearing my face, hair tied back, no more lines of sight or echoes. suddenly the few flakes grazing my skin became everything, became the focus without anything of the downpour to precede or follow mattering. i don't know if that was what i needed to experience then.
because the snow melted quickly—it always does now, and i think i've made some kind of peace with that, whatever that means, whatever form it manifests as. it's hard to control any reactions, any continents shifting.
as much as i've contented myself with such volatility, the chase for that next snowfall, or anything that reminds me of it—of the new things i got to see in its climate, of the shelters i took refuge in, of the fires huddled around even as it flickered colder and the rusty fire pit fell apart, of the final time we felt like what we were wearing was enough—hurts.
it's bitter. i don't know how sweet it ever was if it's so sickening to look back on. but it's only because i know within me that that snow meant everything to me when it came. it was all i could see, and it made life a blanket instead of a hazy, ugly fog. i was enamored by every shape and motion, choking up when it finally landed, because i knew the pavement beneath my feet, the curves of my shoulders—all of it around me was too hot, too poisonous to the snow i blinded myself by.
2024 sep 26 at twenty to four pm
it's so much better when there's things in the way. i've struggled to maintain composure on any one thing at a time because of my deciding that putting anything and everything on pause is better than missing out on experiencing the countless lives of every person i encounter. no one is ever just one person, and finding that out in real time, constantly, is beautiful. it's both shallow and intensely human to think like that, to me.
this has all suffered because of that—but my ability to process, to feel out of control in the flurry of new everything, i'd give it all up (except maybe this) for that. i like being able to still escape back here though, to friends that i've had for years, to writing and creating that in the grand scheme amounts to little but idle fun. i no longer care that that's true. that might just free up the ability to let loose here as well. i hope so. but i've said enough of that. i'll stop speaking on it eventually.
but having a singular, escapable financial support, and running away from it as fast as i can once i leave its walls—that's all i need anymore, at all. maybe ever. as long as it supports me just enough; i'll find the rest of the support i need elsewhere.
if only university wasn't a horrible place to realize this.
<3
2024 aug 16 at half past nine pm
my cousin very much feels like an important frame of reference for me; whether that's true, especially because i don't talk to him at all, i can't be 100% certain of. but the way information of his family disseminated south to mine and then through warped lenses... it all came to light in my head why my desired severing through travel and picking routes makes a lot of sense. it also made plastic beach a doubly bittersweet listen; i love that the last time we talked years ago, that was the recommendation i was handed. it took a little too long to get to, regrettably, but i had to become me first. i'm glad that took precedence, and i'm glad that touchstone will always persist when i listen to how beautifully electrifying empire ants is. the communication while moving through cogs and learning to love some part of all of this—maybe that's the closest we'll get to talking for... i don't know.
this post has been stewing for a little while. i've had bullet points on what to spit out, but they feel less important now:
> this alexander avila video
> the housing market & how to resolve a system like that
> how to resolve groceries
> mark fisher?
> don't be trite, minimize, or over-analyze
> and try not to be --- whatever the word is
they're honestly a little funny, if i'm being honest with myself. the last bullet point is trying to say that i over-explain too much, i feel like i talk about the same thing over and over again, and that in some way, i can never change that. or at the very least, the things i'm this interested in talking about either a) feel like they've already been said ad nauseam and better, or b) i explain them coherently to myself, but become incoherent in the process of wanting to do something with those thoughts other than just proclaim them as 'done' as soon as they're written out.
i'm doing something similar again.
this mental block is one that i always think i work around, that i always feel i'm coming to some precipice of, but there's always another few thousand steps to climb up. maybe this is the furthest i get? i don't know, and the fear of trying is certainly a lot of it, i fear. what i've been doing is comfortable, low stakes, and low reward. all this does not a meaningful (money-earning; what difference?) side project make.
and i've known from the start that 'success' is very improbable. in fact, functionally impossible. certainly with the way i've operated, as much as i love(?) doing what i've been doing. seeing the amount of things posted over the past two months is as at least a bit reassuring, because it shows i've hit some stride, even if it likely won't amount to much, and i'll have to tacitly move on and refocus slightly because a 'real' job is needed. this whole time it's been the way to run from the fact that working for most companies is something i truly despise, or at least that's some sort of barrier i build to protect... whatever. the library makes sense to me right now, but if i want financial independence...
i don't think reading mark fisher is going to help with that, as much as i'd probably get through it faster than the rest of the stuff i've failed to read.
and i know that a good deal of my concern with those bullet points is in realizing that i have to come face to face with a) not wanting to relapse to a version of myself i don't think i can't live though, or b) stripping away a lot of the privileges i've been lucked into in order to live a life i enjoy. this whole path i've wanted for myself makes a lot of sense now, actually.
thanks to her <3
hope this helps!
2024 jul 30 at half past two pm
those videos i mentioned went away a lot quicker than even i thought; i guess it was easy to disappear them than to let them simmer as reminders, but it's still a loss i guess. i don't want to belabor it, i just need to do.
that's maybe the only thing i've actually learned, is just to come forth with something, anything, as another dot connection. it doesn't matter if it's perfect, because it never will be if you pay too much attention to every way it moves—even if that's still something i need tons of work on to get over.
speaking of, since i have an idea for this but don't know yet where to take it, you (whoever) should check this out. it's infuriatingly odd and i found it out through tiktok, but who cares; it's still interesting and such a weird lane in how broad and theoretically pointless math can be. i'm sure there's some use somewhere, but packing unit squares feels like a mathematician's vacation hobby (not derogatory).
and i also don't know what to do with a recent day trip i made to niagara falls. coming from cincinnati meant it was a lot of driving, and i [found a home to put the pictures (dead link)] at least, but it was a half-empty set of experiences. i don't think i'll fully internalize it all for a while.
driving through the night was calming among all the semis to some capacity, as much as the high wore off by the time i had been in new york for twenty miles. and even if i struggled to feel like what i was doing meant something, or how people would talk about it when i got back, i've been greeted by the fact that, in the moment, i was blissfully half-lucid and content despite underlying nausea with myself and my past, and as i got back—after the mild headaches from sleep deprivation waned—i was met with... nothing.
no words for myself, no further thoughts, no received words or opinions or hands either, and a profound fogginess in clarity that quickly overshadowed the whole trip. i'm almost in awe that so little of what made the trip enjoyable has stuck. listening to candy claws's ceres & calypso in the deep time through such a strange intersection of intense beauty in nature and the monolithic messes built around it should've lasted a lot longer—in the moment it was a dreamy purgatory, but without all the anxiety. afterwards it has become a stain because of how it all played out. nothing went wrong, but nothing went right. it was a blip, and that's the most it could ever be.
maybe i wanted it to mean something more, maybe i just wanted a new reason to talk with people, and maybe the dippin dots were just too good on the walk back to the gift shop. and i'm not sure how it fits into my drive to connect through disconnection, to 'leave' but keep the connections that matter most to me, and make new ones but far from here—because as much as it feels storybook, i never do it. it's what sounds good but i never fall into. instead i just visit the niagara falls library to admire the one interesting addition to the landscape of concrete without uttering a word. except a few back to the security guard when i tried dodging the exit door scanners.
and when i came back with a different resolve, fell back into the (warranted) cycle of work and this, something felt different, or at least unforeseen. maybe it did change something, just not in the way i expected it to. i still move similarly, yet the fuzziness in turns and shaky patterns have kept giving way more to careful flux and in-body acumen, instead of the other way around. still, emotions ran hotter and hotter until i nearly broke down while putting away science books for kids in a delightfully dreary library. i don't even know why. nothing happened. something felt misplaced, even in the midst of what felt like positive swing.
then a coworker came in and she brought up the book i took in with me, a tree grows in brooklyn. i had just minutes prior given up on listening to music to 'calm' myself, since it became a chore, the playlist i rely on becoming horridly repetitive. and it completely flipped me. it wasn't even a particularly interesting conversation i don't think, but it was shockingly animate.
maybe that's all i wanted. common interest or experience is a wonderful thing, and an insane drive. i wanted to ask another coworker about her time there and how it had worked out, and i still might, but i already know the conversation about a book i'm not even a third of the way through will mean more. i already want to stay there. i don't need to know. i just need to reciprocate what i want too. that's all that's worth changing after the trip. no one knows unless i sound it out, which is how i like it a lot of the time; i'm not confrontational, and i fear replies that invalidate something i admire, i am, i relate to. but picking and choosing is still a lot more fun than being an open book. i know the balance is off, but i'm getting closer.
2024 jun 12 at quarter past three am
nevermind the confusion i've found myself in the throws of with what i want to do with all this—i think some of the most valuable art that i've encountered has come my way over the course of the past few months that this and my home website has been under its current design & function more broadly.
which i'm incredibly grateful for; i think to a good extent i've been flawed in my approach(es) to how i want to show off, share, curate, and the like, but the fact that i'm doing it at all is the part that's valuable to me. you'd think i'd understand that more closely with all i've posted about since january, but...
the one that maybe sticks out the most (outside of the bombshell that was 'real house' by adrianne lenker in my best songs list) is the three-minute-and-change MallBat video 'How to Give Yourself a Name'. it feels like a purposeful black sheep, an artistically interesting, imperfect, incredibly brief ode to a changing self. and it's probably been the hardest to internalize out of that bunch that i've decided to grant that status.
even with how wonderfully freeing of a concept it is, with her personal angle & its relatively broad resonance, no name feels 100% right for me. it tries to lay out this quaint, storybook approach to becoming you, which is why i think it's such a brilliant video in such a small package—and maybe the pathway that she suggests is really the point, of adding, and changing, and morphing, and being you for you's sake... but that inconsistency is both freeing and claustrophobic.
i want a set name, one that i can rely on. not even a full, well thought out one, with care & attention given to it, because that's what i want for myself, not for my name.
just a set of letters that feels like the bricks of the walls around me, that feels like the perfectly crafted windowsill to rest my arms on, the wind that grazes past the aching barriers i've put up.
maybe the parentheses that house the rest of my name will unbuckle eventually, unclasp themselves once i find the keys that unlock however many doors i need to step through to get to that point. i just wonder how many people will be there at the end, once i find solace, once i walk through that last one. how many of who i have in my life now, no matter how loosely, will want to endure that new(er) person.
it'll be interesting to find out.
<3
2024 apr 15 at half past eight pm
i struggle to come up with something meaningful to say when there aren't converging dilemmas cropping up in life; as much as i tried to downplay the importance of trauma in writing in cassandra, it does do a lot of heavy lifting for motivation's sake. though i am mildly happy that, even in the face of those confounding issues of what i can do with life (at least in a way that is consciously, proactively & morally fine, despite being in a system that encourages blindness to the fact that everything is motivated by and thus performs capitalist delusion), i am tacitly okay with the way things are moving.
can you tell i'm reading mark fisher right now? ...sorry
but my distraction (bar university challenges) from that thought spiral has been getting to the point that i feel comfortable in what i've managed to bandaid together in ableton after much too long of a delay in conceited effort. i am nowhere near certain of if it will see the light of day, especially since vocals feel essential in some way, but the fact that i've made something i can unequivocally be proud of is comforting.
though on a brief tangent, i've discovered that maybe stories as podcasts are the only podcasts i can stand; i enjoyed nice white parents as a brief, five part narrative piece, and maybe similar podcasts that are as segmented and pointedly finite are just overall more appealing to me as a genuine form of artistic (and in this case, sociopolitical) expression through spoken word. and there's certainly part of me that has no idea how to, or if there's even a point to, giving ratings to podcasts that are so freewheeling in their ability to constantly record for years on end. they're either incredibly tiresome, inherently unappealing, or... anything else that i just can't get into.
anyways, on the theme of trying to find a way to make money on something, i'm a bit sad to admit that i did have a really good idea for a pocket rating recap video series that fell through, simply because of me not being ready for how much prep work it needed. i'm worried i won't get to it for an april recap either, but it's something i'm heavily entertaining because—like most people heavily involved in the internet—having a background youtube video is a lot more immediate than a ton of short quips in writing (and has a much better return on investment down the line, at least in theory).
but as much as these few paragraphs have been me divulging not knowing where to go, even in the spaces i hold so dear online, i received an email on april 1 (which i've only just now realized, and i find very funny, in jest) that gave me a lot of pause about how i want to write. and along with keeping track of how my site analytics have comparatively exploded since i've syndicated my reviews on rateyourmusic, albumoftheyear & letterboxd recently, i feel like the internet as a portable home for me is becoming much more tangible than it has ever been before.
i don't know how to keep going all the time, and the only reason i keep my online presence like this going is just because i find some hope in it, both for my creative side and for the prospect that people actually look through it and get at least the tiniest morsel of anything out of it. but it's a warm feeling of approval when, despite the numbers still being small, there's enough substance to move the needle for me in the physical world through a virtual window.
now please watch the charli xcx boiler room set! yes to the cultural reset
ilysm <3
2024 mar 11 at eleven pm
it's hard to write through a weirdly unprecedented change within yourself, and more off-putting to start putting those words to print—as it were, at least, since this is just a text file. i think it's difficult to pin art or anything of the sort made in times like these on that conflict, and even more uncomfortable to mention that conflict as part of the reason why, if it is great, why that art has so much meaning. struggling through life shouldn't be the axis by which great art is judged.
and i'm not equating these mutterings as great art by any means; they're really just an expressway for my own thoughts and reactions to my environment. but this one feels more meaningful because of that adversity.
but in walking aimlessly, back and forth a five mile stretch of an annoyingly monotonous stretch of pavement through lovely middle america, so sprawled as to be inherently violent, i've come to many realizations—though it rarely clears my mind like it used to anymore. i don't think i can maintain a lot of my drives towards creative paths as i wish i could, at least with who i am right now; being stunted isn't a concern, it is simply my inability to keep pressing. i like to think that i've been continually evolving, but i've been stagnant for quite some time, and i've only recently shaken to my core who i am and who i aspire to become. where i am, who i am, how i am perceived, everything has finally felt validated by identifying as someone that others cannot begin to see yet.
there was a moment that hit me especially, when on a whim stopping by a recital with my family. among the talent in a diverse array of young people—among whom was someone who played für elise without sheet music, another who sang more effortlessly and poignantly than i do alone, a flautist with enough bravado to perform for what felt like half the set, and my two younger relatives playing piano better than i likely ever will—was someone who couldn't have been older than thirteen, playing a segment from the undertale soundtrack on piano. it wasn't even anything technically proficient, but simply hearing it out of the context of who i've become was gut-wrenching. i had to keep appearances, for whatever socially ingrained reason's been made up, but i haven't stopped thinking about it since.
and i wish i could cry when i realize that that was the first moment i've known without a shadow of a doubt, in and around the very people who i don't think would give it a second. ever since that same socialization happened back in middle school, when crying at the very thought of upsetting anyone in that network's expectations, or of upsetting the path i'd wished for myself, became a stone-faced, made-up façade through high school to now, i haven't been me. not yet, at least.
so what i'm saying is frailty is a must-listen, and celeste is a must-play. i'll write more about each of them soon. because all i'm getting at is that gender is made up.
2024 jan 29 at half past seven pm
this one has been delayed for a while—as ideally i'd like to write every monday, to have something come up and writhe around with and feel drawn towards. but there's that net i keep getting caught in, the same one that has kept me from consistently working and growing towards doing what i've always wanted. and unfortunately, there is more than one net. there's just something about me that keeps me tied down, and despite being able to recognize it, i'm still spiteful. i have grown a lot, but i still don't know how to untangle it quite well enough.
i did surprise myself earlier this month with being able to sit down for lengthy periods and work on music, even if it is the kind of music that doesn't feel quite like me yet; i can't possibly perform alongside it. it sounds pretty good, and i'm sure it'll end up on some snippet i find a place for on my main website, bandcamp, soundcloud, whatever. it's just ear candy right now, so i'm hoping that any next steps are taken in a more completely me kind of way. it's impossible to be new, but i can bend things towards me a bit.
and on a more lighthearted note, i'm planning on watching poor things in theatres soon, which i'm looking forward to simply for the sake of enjoying a movie i'm completely blind to with a friend; i don't think i've ever had that experience before, especially not as who i am now, and it's exciting. it was very sudden planning, just the way i like it.
i'm hoping to formally review a bit more too, even if i have doubts about how far i want to take it. it's a relatively decent creative outlet for me, and it makes my writing feel more intentional, despite how dense and meaninglessly light some of it comes off firsthand. maybe the looseness of this is a bit more freeing, but for the time being i'm glad i have both. i just need to balance it all with more uniquely freeing artistic expression, i.e. actually making stuff instead of talking about other stuff. hard fight, but worth it for me, is i think what i'm wanting to get at.
also, anyone reading this far should listen to amygdala by ecco2k & bladee. been on my mind since i first heard it, and it feels like me right now :>
2023 aug 21 at five to five pm
even though my main website is still very much under construction, there comes a time where i have to simply start making something. this is that point, and it'll continue on through that construction and my developing of how i'd like everything to look (within my limited abilities of doing everything here on my own)
despite my fifth semester of university starting today as well, this more casual interface to write is one i like as way to keep some kinetic energy; i also just made it to the second part of james baldwin's giovanni's room, and i'd love to catch up later on the reading i've (finally) gotten around to completing :>
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